Ramblings

Hitting up on the third week back in Revolution Hawaii. It's quite amazing what God is doing out here. Doors are opening up for Mark and I in our ministry. We are now voluteering at the Boys and Girls club, helping with a basketball team on Wednesday and Friday, tutoring students, starting-up side ministries with The Rock Church, and playing volleyball on Saturday with the Rock. I am stoked at how God has opened up doors and using Mark and I out here.

For me personally, I am really excited to be working with Kids. I have always had a heart for the youth and am so excited about getting the chance to reach out to them in our communities.

With all these great blessings going on around us I have been struggling a bit with a few things within myself. I thank God for how He has been challenging our team and working within all of us. But, there have been mornings where I just wake up and feel so discouraged; I don't want to work out, why is that person looking at me funny, man they act like they have it all together...they don't...take off that stupid mask, let me pray for them...bless them...bless what they do...bless their food...bless my cat...bless me...bless....blesss, "I love you Lord please fill me with Your love"...look at them still acting like they are all that and a bag of chips, stop being a gerk, "Use me today Father"...I could talk to that person...nah I need to read my book...I'll probably see them later we ARE on an island, I need to go to sleep I have done so much "ministry" today. WoAh!! Pretty crazy... I read that and I am thrown back a bit, but these are some of the things going through my mind. It kind of disgusts me to see it AFTERWARDS but during all that judging and hypocracy I feel so justified.

Right from the start of returning back here God started weeding me out. I blogged a little about how difficult it was to come back leaving my family and people so close and dear to me as I am here for another 8 months...but I know God is not done with me, He won't be done with me until the day I die. It is very convicting, though, as God has revealed these things to me and very humbling because as much as I want to have it all together...I don't. As much as I want to be independent and do it on my own, I can't. As much as I want to be proud at what I have done, I'm not. I don't consider myself a victim of low self-esteem but a victim of sin and a victim of my selfishness within that sin. Through all of this, through my rages of independence, giving "wholeheartedly" but only partially to God, I continue to see that no matter how much I mature, no matter how much I change, no matter how much I try I am in desperate need of God. I am in desperate need of His love, His forgiveness, His guidance. I need Him. I am capable of doing all these things on my own but I have found that the fruit (if there is any) is worthless, rotten, and spoiled without God.

I think I put this in an earlier blog, but I read this quote about humility and I want to put it in again, "Being humble is not thinking less of yourself but it is thinking of yourself less." -(I believe..) Max Lucado (correct me if I'm wrong). When I first heard that I liked it and interpreted it as putting others before myself. I still think that is true but I also think it connects to a much deeper level than that. When you're thinking of yourself less, who are you thinking about? Others? family? spouses? In a conversation, what is a popluar topic that people enjoy? In the past one of my favorite things to talk about was ME. What I'M doing, what's happening to ME, what God's doing in ME, Me...Me.... Shoots. What about this blog....I am talking about me....well, I kind of use this as a means for me to be real with myself and to those of you reading this.

I pray that as you read this the credit doesn't go to me but to God. In this blog it may seem that I am bashing myself a bit but in defense to that I say that I am being real with the struggles going on in my life, in my walk with God, and in my heart. I am tired of wearing these masks that I have worked, lied, and cheated so hard to put up. I desire to live a life that is truthful with myself and the people around me. Truthful with my family and those I love so much. I am tired of working so hard to "act" like a Christian. I am never going to live up to the standards that are put up to that with out lieing a bit or so on. All I can be is myself, garbage and all, and lay it at the feet of Jesus and give everything I have to Him.

Where do we stand as a Christian church? What does it mean to be a Christian? Why am I so disgusted by so many Christians? Why do I so easily point my fingers at others when I am just as guilty? Where is that Justice, Where is that Love, Where is that Forgiveness that Jesus tells us about? What has His example shown us? What are we doing to live that? What can we do? Can we really do anything?

The more and more God is transforming me the more and more I realize how much I need Him in my life. I was talking to someone very close to me and they told me something that really inspired me. They were talking about how God has been working in their life and have found that they are praying quit a bit more than they used to. But, even when they aren't saying prayers they are still in close communion with God in their mind and in their heart. I think this is an example of what God ment when He said to pray with out ceasing. Keeping ones whole self in constant communication with God. I want that, I desire that...to always have God on my mind....to really constantly be in that act of prayer even when words aren't being used... In Romans 8 it says, "26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." God is Good

Thank you all for reading this Blog and please feel free to leave comments, prayer requests, questions, or concerns. Thanks to those of you who have left comments, I really appreciate what you have said. Until Later

Brock