Here I am back in Oahu, sitting at this desk preparing to leave for the mainland tomorrow(or just procrastinating)and I kind of feel.... out of place. I can't put a finger on it. It's as if what was once familiar is now a vague memory......... and now I am back.... Just like that, picked up placed somewhere new, picked up again, placed somewhere different, picked up and placed back at square one. That which I had found to be comfortable or had found comfort in is now in the past and the area where I was comfortable originally is now uncomfortable. (this is very confusing to read...I am sorry. I'm slowly figuring out what I am saying as I go)
Ok...So, this past 3 weeks our team has been split into two smaller teams and placed on two different islands. Mark, Melissa and Erlist went to Kona, and seemed to have had a blast, and Matt, Chelsea, Kanysha, Bri, and myself went to Kaua'i. Do you know how amazing "the garden island" is. I felt right at home there. When we landed our team was greeted by Joy (Joy and Larry were the corps officers we worked with) and was taken to Wallies World (WalMart). I knew we were going to work from the start and *Boom* we did. That evening I started bell ringing, with my Uke, the girls started angel tree and we went on from there. But, my initial expectations of tons of work and not much play went out the door strait away, or maybe it was how work and play were incorporated together. It was amazing. I would ring and play my uke for about 5 hours a day, we would then count kettles, and amongst that spend time cruising around checkin' out sites. Joy and Larry made it a point for us to experience as much of Kaua'u as we could within the 3 weeks we were there.
One thing Larry told us when we first met him was this, "Take the speed you all normally work at and cut that in half. Now take that half and cut it in half again and that's the speed Kaua'i runs at." What??? I found that this place ran at the speed I have been running my whole life and no one got made at me for it!!! Shoots! And man that was so true. That was how Kaua'i did it and everything worked perfectly. Happy Day!!! The people were amazing (small towns, pop. of the island 60,000..Crazy! so everyone knew everyone else and people were so welcoming) , the food rocked and the scenery was beautiful. It's difficult to explain everything that happened and over time I probably will but it was an awesome trip. This is the place that I grew so comfortable in and Oahu is the current location where I feel a bit out of place...and...I am only making a pit stop here as I am about to leave for the mainland tomorrow.
So many plans when I head to the mainland too....if I think about it too long my head feels like it is spinning in circles and discombobulated.
This feeling of uncomfort reminds me of some of the key things you read about in the bible. If you have been to C28, an overpriced christian store found in many malls, there little tag line is "Not of this world". hmmmm. We are not of this world. I am not of this world. I am in this world, but not of it. Should we find comfort in something that we are not of?
Maybe this discomfort is from the anticipation of returning to the place where I originally came from and anxious to see those that are dear to me. Maybe it's from the idea that I am going back to an area where satan once had me in his chains and brought me down through so many of the poor choices I made......
"Have I not commanded you: Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you where ever you go." Joshua 1:9
I love God so much and He is dear to me but even amongst the love I have for Him and the redemption He has given me, I struggle with the past I once lived, I struggle with some of the choices I have made, I struggle with the consequences of those choices that have wounded me but even more so wounded some of those around me and closest to me....
Though I am saved, though Christ has shown me so much grace and mercy, and though I am a changed man, some of these things/ideas haunt me. I know this is not from God, satan tries to use our past to bring us back down into the pit where God has brought us out of, but being in this world we are going to be attacked by satan. He will do anything to take away what God has restored and prevent any more growth with God... Before, I would get discouraged when I would be brought down in rememberance of my past and honestly it still does a lot of the time. But, I have so much more now. Not because I have gained but because I have given myself to God. I struggle, but Jesus is right there, I am hurt, but Jesus is right there, I am torn, but Jesus is right there. Even more then being there I get this image of Jesus standing next to me (Not a litteral halucination type image but looking at it outside of the situation type thing) saying "I love you Brock. I love you," "I love You," "I love you," reaching out His nail scarred hands tears streaming down His face, in sync with mine, as He continues to wrap His arms around me, embracing me and loving me in that moment. I get an image of God being present in that moment as in every moment (since God is eternal time really doesn't bind Him so He, in a sense, can put His hand in the "box" of time in any time and be present in it. Wow, confusing....) and not just being there but BEing there. feeling the pain, feeling the anger, frustration, bitterness, anxiety....and loving us through all of it. That is love, where in all those moments He is still there.
Now in the moments when I face those hard times it's not like that image pops into my mind....it may help and it has in cases, but for me this has brought out a better understanding that I will struggle and I will falter but God is with me the entire way. I am no longer bound by those "chains," my Hope is in Christ, the man I was no longer is, I am now a man of Christ transformed by Him, and as Christ gave Joshua victory over those he battled, God will do the same for me in my internal and spiritual battles. I am Gods and no matter what satan throws at me I am never going back to the "place" I came from because the glory of God is so much more appealing and amazing and Shoots, I am Gods.
I don't know when I will type again, maybe in the next week, but happy day. Aloha
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