What an experience the Marshal Islands was. People ask how it was and all I can say is that it was an experience, a very good experience. There were moments where I loved it, loving the people and then there were moments where I was really not enjoying it; the island felt like it was getting smaller and it seemed like there was nothing to do. This was a growing summer.
During the summer I spent two and half months on the island of Ebeye located in the largest atoll in the Marshal Islands. The main island, Kuajilein, is a US army military base and they do a lot of missile testing along with providing jobs for the people on the island. A majority of the people on Ebeye move there from other islands so they can work on Kuaj. Usually when people think of the South Pacific or Micronesia they think of lf lush tropical islands, that’s what I thought. But, Ebeye doesn’t quite fill that idea. There weren’t many trees on the island; any trees were primarily located behind the walls of people’s houses. The houses were constructed out of plywood, or any other objects they could get a hold of to make a barrier, had tin roofs, and holes in the walls covered by plywood to make windows. One person’s wall was also shared by their neighbors. Water and electricity were pretty limited and very expensive. Sometimes the island wouldn’t get its shipment of diesel which was used for the few vehicles and generators for electricity. So, we went without electricity occasionally.
We took our showers from a bucket and didn’t have running water until the last month for the sink because of a broken water pump. There was a pump that would get the water from the catchments container, about 300 gallons I think they said, and it would come out of a spout. I had to get my drinking water from a special facility because the island water would have caused some major digestive problems, which I had the amazing opportunity to experience =). We washed our clothes by hand and hung them on a line to dry.
There was quite a difference in rolls between men and women which was a bit difficult for me to get used to. The women would do most of the work; cleaning the house, cooking, washing clothes, shopping, and serving the men. The women were such servants and would roll up their sleeves and tackle any problem that came up. The men would have more of the working the job responsibilities. But, honestly I saw the men sitting down and talking, working on the vehicles/bikes, and fixing the house more then anything while the women were always cooking, serving the men food and moving.
In the Marshal Islands people don’t have much money. Ebeye is one of the poorest islands in the Marshals and you could definitely see it. Kids would run around with no slippers over rocks and glass while small babies would be walking around with no clothes. There was a lot of neglect that was seen with the kids and that was the hardest thing for me to face. During the summer my main ministry was with the youth and our weekly studies were some of the only structure these kids would get through out the week. There were kids everywhere running around from sunrise to sunset with no supervision. If a kid acted up it was very common for the nearest person to smack them and yell at them even though they weren’t the parents. Many of the kids, I didn’t find out who their parents were until the end of the summer not because the parents were gone but because everyone would smack, discipline, and tease them.
Twice a week I was involved with teaching the kids bible lessons, play games and sing song. Every Tuesday we did this “hope share” at the church and every Thursday it was at Dump Town. Yes, there was a part of town called Dump Town because the housing was adjacent to the dump. Twice a week someone would burn the trash to make more room and all the smoke would fill the city. Those days, all day, the only thing you smelled was burning trash. Kids would play in the dump finding toys in the rubbish and there were groups of men who would play baseball on the corner of it too. By this you can kind of see the condition of the island.
The island itself was not that big. At a comfortable cruising speed I could ride a bike around the island in less than 8 minutes. To walk from the ocean side to the lagoon side took maybe a one minute walk. You could stand in the middle of the road and see the lagoon to one side and the ocean to the other. One of the more interesting things I noticed about the people on the island was how much of an influence the American culture of consumerism and materialism had affected them. The Marshallese are very much people who love to serve and in doing so would put them at disadvantage but everyone helped to support the next person.
But, maybe it’s because of the TV (they had military TV which was all the popular shows in the US in their own lineup), or movies, or magazines the teens and young adults were very much into the latest gadgets and clothes. Not all of the teens were like this but many were. In the Marshal Islands it’s very common for the girls at a young age, on average 16, to get pregnant and have kids. The income would usually come from family, some outside source or the boys would get jobs. There were many cases though where these teens with families would get so caught up in buying the latest stuff like ipods, really nice clothes, or phones that it would leave there family with no food for a week because they couldn’t afford it.
So, here I am on the island noticing this and I am criticizing the people for doing this but then I realize that I have been caught in the same cycle as well. For me, this was a very humbling summer. My pride was something I really struggled with and it wasn’t through outward expression but the thoughts that would go through my mind about the people or the island. God really convicted me of that during the summer and sure worked in me in a lot of areas in my life. Though the culture was different, I couldn’t understand the language, and I sometimes felt all alone God taught me so much and was amazing. I learned and experienced so much more on what it means to serve and how it looks. I never have really had a hard time liking someone but there were people there that challenged that immensely and through it helped me to see more what God means when He says to love and what that looks like. I think I read the bible there more than I have ever read it in my life and it was crazy how it was applying to me, and speaking to me, and just so interesting. I still have a hard time reading some parts of it because they are so boring but there is so much rad stuff in it. This was a very growing summer for me, opening my eyes so much more to the reality of the life we live on this earth, the condition of our own American culture, and more of who I am and who God wants me to be. God really is a good God even though following Him can be so hard and frustrating sometimes (that’s more of my own personal struggle with stubbornness and pride). Matthew 6:25-34
Please feel free to ask me any questions about this summer or what not.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Times
Alooooha! We are getting near the end of this Rev Hi year and this year has so far been amazing. Today was going to be hangin' out at Makaha but then ended up going to a beach near Kea'au's. It was fun, I don't think I have ever had that much sand in my nose. Good times at the beach....finally. =)
This weekend we had the Hawaiian Youth Coucils. God was sure working with in that camp. The theme was Outcry and man were people crying out to God. It was amazing. I want so bad to put into words what this weekend was like but right now I am unable to do so. All I can say is that lives were changed, lives were renewed, lives were restored, and passions burned stronger. The speakers we had were awesome and really spoke with conviction and passion. I was a councelor at this camp and had a cool group of teens. We had devotions the two nights we were there and on the second night I gave my testimony, in the cabin devotions, which was hard to do, but God opened up some conversations that I pray helped out some of the young men in that cabin. The last night one of the boys asked me if I was a youth paster back home. I said I wasn't but I was thinking about it and he said "wow, those guys are lucky"....I was speachless. The next morning while we were cleaning up one of the boys started beat boxing, and then some started rapping and they were saying it was dedicated to me. I was stoked. I'm not saying this to try and float my boat or whatever, but I am saying this to say how amazing God is, that through all the rubbish that might be in our past that God can use it for His glory. God can take this "jar of Clay" and fill it with the most beautiful treasure. That God is an amazing God and can use anyone who is willing to be used. ........Whew... ok I'll get off the soap box. =)
This trip has been awesome. For me, this trip has been challenging every aspect of what I believe and every aspect of what I do and why I do it. Where is my heart when I give that lady a sandwhich, why do I believe that the word of God is true, why do I find it so hard to sit and listen to God? I am being stretched more then I ever thought possible and as hard as it is, God is giving me the strength to get through it and I have experienced so much peace and joy through all of this, it is just amazing. God is Good Until Later Aloha
This weekend we had the Hawaiian Youth Coucils. God was sure working with in that camp. The theme was Outcry and man were people crying out to God. It was amazing. I want so bad to put into words what this weekend was like but right now I am unable to do so. All I can say is that lives were changed, lives were renewed, lives were restored, and passions burned stronger. The speakers we had were awesome and really spoke with conviction and passion. I was a councelor at this camp and had a cool group of teens. We had devotions the two nights we were there and on the second night I gave my testimony, in the cabin devotions, which was hard to do, but God opened up some conversations that I pray helped out some of the young men in that cabin. The last night one of the boys asked me if I was a youth paster back home. I said I wasn't but I was thinking about it and he said "wow, those guys are lucky"....I was speachless. The next morning while we were cleaning up one of the boys started beat boxing, and then some started rapping and they were saying it was dedicated to me. I was stoked. I'm not saying this to try and float my boat or whatever, but I am saying this to say how amazing God is, that through all the rubbish that might be in our past that God can use it for His glory. God can take this "jar of Clay" and fill it with the most beautiful treasure. That God is an amazing God and can use anyone who is willing to be used. ........Whew... ok I'll get off the soap box. =)
This trip has been awesome. For me, this trip has been challenging every aspect of what I believe and every aspect of what I do and why I do it. Where is my heart when I give that lady a sandwhich, why do I believe that the word of God is true, why do I find it so hard to sit and listen to God? I am being stretched more then I ever thought possible and as hard as it is, God is giving me the strength to get through it and I have experienced so much peace and joy through all of this, it is just amazing. God is Good Until Later Aloha
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Long Time No See:
Shoots time goes by crazy quick out here. It's been a while since I have posted on here. Things are happening as they happen and moments pass into other moments on this Rock.
I got to preach today at The Rock....Woah intense it was. Shoots, it was a bit like a testimony and a relation with lazarus and all. Rob taped it so I was extra nervous.
I am not really quit sure what else to type because It has been a very hecktic kind of emotional time for me lately. God is amazing how He is there the entire way even when I am a punk and what not.
Oh we did the great Aloha Run this past monday. FUUUUNNN At the 2nd mile nature began to knock inside my stomache....held it past the first stop...suffered until the second one...went...relief...ran and collapsed at the end. I didn't really collapse but it was fun for sure. A man in his fifties died while running it...had a heart attack when he finished the race. It was sad. Pray for his family.
I don't know what else to type so I will add more manana.
Aloha
I got to preach today at The Rock....Woah intense it was. Shoots, it was a bit like a testimony and a relation with lazarus and all. Rob taped it so I was extra nervous.
I am not really quit sure what else to type because It has been a very hecktic kind of emotional time for me lately. God is amazing how He is there the entire way even when I am a punk and what not.
Oh we did the great Aloha Run this past monday. FUUUUNNN At the 2nd mile nature began to knock inside my stomache....held it past the first stop...suffered until the second one...went...relief...ran and collapsed at the end. I didn't really collapse but it was fun for sure. A man in his fifties died while running it...had a heart attack when he finished the race. It was sad. Pray for his family.
I don't know what else to type so I will add more manana.
Aloha
Monday, January 19, 2009
Ramblings
Hitting up on the third week back in Revolution Hawaii. It's quite amazing what God is doing out here. Doors are opening up for Mark and I in our ministry. We are now voluteering at the Boys and Girls club, helping with a basketball team on Wednesday and Friday, tutoring students, starting-up side ministries with The Rock Church, and playing volleyball on Saturday with the Rock. I am stoked at how God has opened up doors and using Mark and I out here.
For me personally, I am really excited to be working with Kids. I have always had a heart for the youth and am so excited about getting the chance to reach out to them in our communities.
With all these great blessings going on around us I have been struggling a bit with a few things within myself. I thank God for how He has been challenging our team and working within all of us. But, there have been mornings where I just wake up and feel so discouraged; I don't want to work out, why is that person looking at me funny, man they act like they have it all together...they don't...take off that stupid mask, let me pray for them...bless them...bless what they do...bless their food...bless my cat...bless me...bless....blesss, "I love you Lord please fill me with Your love"...look at them still acting like they are all that and a bag of chips, stop being a gerk, "Use me today Father"...I could talk to that person...nah I need to read my book...I'll probably see them later we ARE on an island, I need to go to sleep I have done so much "ministry" today. WoAh!! Pretty crazy... I read that and I am thrown back a bit, but these are some of the things going through my mind. It kind of disgusts me to see it AFTERWARDS but during all that judging and hypocracy I feel so justified.
Right from the start of returning back here God started weeding me out. I blogged a little about how difficult it was to come back leaving my family and people so close and dear to me as I am here for another 8 months...but I know God is not done with me, He won't be done with me until the day I die. It is very convicting, though, as God has revealed these things to me and very humbling because as much as I want to have it all together...I don't. As much as I want to be independent and do it on my own, I can't. As much as I want to be proud at what I have done, I'm not. I don't consider myself a victim of low self-esteem but a victim of sin and a victim of my selfishness within that sin. Through all of this, through my rages of independence, giving "wholeheartedly" but only partially to God, I continue to see that no matter how much I mature, no matter how much I change, no matter how much I try I am in desperate need of God. I am in desperate need of His love, His forgiveness, His guidance. I need Him. I am capable of doing all these things on my own but I have found that the fruit (if there is any) is worthless, rotten, and spoiled without God.
I think I put this in an earlier blog, but I read this quote about humility and I want to put it in again, "Being humble is not thinking less of yourself but it is thinking of yourself less." -(I believe..) Max Lucado (correct me if I'm wrong). When I first heard that I liked it and interpreted it as putting others before myself. I still think that is true but I also think it connects to a much deeper level than that. When you're thinking of yourself less, who are you thinking about? Others? family? spouses? In a conversation, what is a popluar topic that people enjoy? In the past one of my favorite things to talk about was ME. What I'M doing, what's happening to ME, what God's doing in ME, Me...Me.... Shoots. What about this blog....I am talking about me....well, I kind of use this as a means for me to be real with myself and to those of you reading this.
I pray that as you read this the credit doesn't go to me but to God. In this blog it may seem that I am bashing myself a bit but in defense to that I say that I am being real with the struggles going on in my life, in my walk with God, and in my heart. I am tired of wearing these masks that I have worked, lied, and cheated so hard to put up. I desire to live a life that is truthful with myself and the people around me. Truthful with my family and those I love so much. I am tired of working so hard to "act" like a Christian. I am never going to live up to the standards that are put up to that with out lieing a bit or so on. All I can be is myself, garbage and all, and lay it at the feet of Jesus and give everything I have to Him.
Where do we stand as a Christian church? What does it mean to be a Christian? Why am I so disgusted by so many Christians? Why do I so easily point my fingers at others when I am just as guilty? Where is that Justice, Where is that Love, Where is that Forgiveness that Jesus tells us about? What has His example shown us? What are we doing to live that? What can we do? Can we really do anything?
The more and more God is transforming me the more and more I realize how much I need Him in my life. I was talking to someone very close to me and they told me something that really inspired me. They were talking about how God has been working in their life and have found that they are praying quit a bit more than they used to. But, even when they aren't saying prayers they are still in close communion with God in their mind and in their heart. I think this is an example of what God ment when He said to pray with out ceasing. Keeping ones whole self in constant communication with God. I want that, I desire that...to always have God on my mind....to really constantly be in that act of prayer even when words aren't being used... In Romans 8 it says, "26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." God is Good
Thank you all for reading this Blog and please feel free to leave comments, prayer requests, questions, or concerns. Thanks to those of you who have left comments, I really appreciate what you have said. Until Later
Brock
For me personally, I am really excited to be working with Kids. I have always had a heart for the youth and am so excited about getting the chance to reach out to them in our communities.
With all these great blessings going on around us I have been struggling a bit with a few things within myself. I thank God for how He has been challenging our team and working within all of us. But, there have been mornings where I just wake up and feel so discouraged; I don't want to work out, why is that person looking at me funny, man they act like they have it all together...they don't...take off that stupid mask, let me pray for them...bless them...bless what they do...bless their food...bless my cat...bless me...bless....blesss, "I love you Lord please fill me with Your love"...look at them still acting like they are all that and a bag of chips, stop being a gerk, "Use me today Father"...I could talk to that person...nah I need to read my book...I'll probably see them later we ARE on an island, I need to go to sleep I have done so much "ministry" today. WoAh!! Pretty crazy... I read that and I am thrown back a bit, but these are some of the things going through my mind. It kind of disgusts me to see it AFTERWARDS but during all that judging and hypocracy I feel so justified.
Right from the start of returning back here God started weeding me out. I blogged a little about how difficult it was to come back leaving my family and people so close and dear to me as I am here for another 8 months...but I know God is not done with me, He won't be done with me until the day I die. It is very convicting, though, as God has revealed these things to me and very humbling because as much as I want to have it all together...I don't. As much as I want to be independent and do it on my own, I can't. As much as I want to be proud at what I have done, I'm not. I don't consider myself a victim of low self-esteem but a victim of sin and a victim of my selfishness within that sin. Through all of this, through my rages of independence, giving "wholeheartedly" but only partially to God, I continue to see that no matter how much I mature, no matter how much I change, no matter how much I try I am in desperate need of God. I am in desperate need of His love, His forgiveness, His guidance. I need Him. I am capable of doing all these things on my own but I have found that the fruit (if there is any) is worthless, rotten, and spoiled without God.
I think I put this in an earlier blog, but I read this quote about humility and I want to put it in again, "Being humble is not thinking less of yourself but it is thinking of yourself less." -(I believe..) Max Lucado (correct me if I'm wrong). When I first heard that I liked it and interpreted it as putting others before myself. I still think that is true but I also think it connects to a much deeper level than that. When you're thinking of yourself less, who are you thinking about? Others? family? spouses? In a conversation, what is a popluar topic that people enjoy? In the past one of my favorite things to talk about was ME. What I'M doing, what's happening to ME, what God's doing in ME, Me...Me.... Shoots. What about this blog....I am talking about me....well, I kind of use this as a means for me to be real with myself and to those of you reading this.
I pray that as you read this the credit doesn't go to me but to God. In this blog it may seem that I am bashing myself a bit but in defense to that I say that I am being real with the struggles going on in my life, in my walk with God, and in my heart. I am tired of wearing these masks that I have worked, lied, and cheated so hard to put up. I desire to live a life that is truthful with myself and the people around me. Truthful with my family and those I love so much. I am tired of working so hard to "act" like a Christian. I am never going to live up to the standards that are put up to that with out lieing a bit or so on. All I can be is myself, garbage and all, and lay it at the feet of Jesus and give everything I have to Him.
Where do we stand as a Christian church? What does it mean to be a Christian? Why am I so disgusted by so many Christians? Why do I so easily point my fingers at others when I am just as guilty? Where is that Justice, Where is that Love, Where is that Forgiveness that Jesus tells us about? What has His example shown us? What are we doing to live that? What can we do? Can we really do anything?
The more and more God is transforming me the more and more I realize how much I need Him in my life. I was talking to someone very close to me and they told me something that really inspired me. They were talking about how God has been working in their life and have found that they are praying quit a bit more than they used to. But, even when they aren't saying prayers they are still in close communion with God in their mind and in their heart. I think this is an example of what God ment when He said to pray with out ceasing. Keeping ones whole self in constant communication with God. I want that, I desire that...to always have God on my mind....to really constantly be in that act of prayer even when words aren't being used... In Romans 8 it says, "26In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. 27And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will." God is Good
Thank you all for reading this Blog and please feel free to leave comments, prayer requests, questions, or concerns. Thanks to those of you who have left comments, I really appreciate what you have said. Until Later
Brock
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Aloha! Hey we are back in action here on the island and Revolution Hawaii is off to a good start. (Shoots, that sounds like a News Report. Maybe something you would find on lotus notes....hahaha J/k.....But seriously....hmmm Ok then).
It's good to be back and God is working in the team. Our team was split, Mark, erlist, and melissa in Kona and Matt, Bri, Kanysha, Chelcee, and myself in Kaua'i, for the christmas season. Kaua'i was amazing and the Groenlers (sp? sorry Joy and Larry if I mispelled your last name) were such a fun family. Good times ringing the bell, playing the Uke, playing dominoes, sleeping in the community center, having church in the same community center, Fish tacos, cruisin', Waimea canyon,... so much that was so amazing and I loved it all. God really worked within' our team while we were on the outer islands and it rocks.
As that ended we then were on vacation for 2 weeks and had time to recoup and get ready for the next year. I got to go home for the holidays and spend time with family and friends. The trip was soooo encouraging and God did some amazing things while I was home. It really helped me to see How Awesome God Is. While I have been out here in Hawaii God really has been stretching me and working in me . It's been a very trying experience but when I went home I was so encouraged by what my family and friends had to say about what they saw God had done in me so far. I give God all the glory in everything happening in my life because I usually mess things up when they are put into my hands and there are things that only God could have done. Right Now I am just completely blessed, stoked on what God is doing, who He is, and how amazing He is. I also got the chance to meet the lost boys when I was at home and was completely blessed by the entire experience and so blessed by all the people that were involved in that new years party. I have such a strong desire to help the lost boys in San Diego as much as I can when this Rev. Hi experience is over. We'll see what God does.
God is Good
It's good to be back and God is working in the team. Our team was split, Mark, erlist, and melissa in Kona and Matt, Bri, Kanysha, Chelcee, and myself in Kaua'i, for the christmas season. Kaua'i was amazing and the Groenlers (sp? sorry Joy and Larry if I mispelled your last name) were such a fun family. Good times ringing the bell, playing the Uke, playing dominoes, sleeping in the community center, having church in the same community center, Fish tacos, cruisin', Waimea canyon,... so much that was so amazing and I loved it all. God really worked within' our team while we were on the outer islands and it rocks.
As that ended we then were on vacation for 2 weeks and had time to recoup and get ready for the next year. I got to go home for the holidays and spend time with family and friends. The trip was soooo encouraging and God did some amazing things while I was home. It really helped me to see How Awesome God Is. While I have been out here in Hawaii God really has been stretching me and working in me . It's been a very trying experience but when I went home I was so encouraged by what my family and friends had to say about what they saw God had done in me so far. I give God all the glory in everything happening in my life because I usually mess things up when they are put into my hands and there are things that only God could have done. Right Now I am just completely blessed, stoked on what God is doing, who He is, and how amazing He is. I also got the chance to meet the lost boys when I was at home and was completely blessed by the entire experience and so blessed by all the people that were involved in that new years party. I have such a strong desire to help the lost boys in San Diego as much as I can when this Rev. Hi experience is over. We'll see what God does.
God is Good
Monday, December 22, 2008
Days Gone By
Here I am back in Oahu, sitting at this desk preparing to leave for the mainland tomorrow(or just procrastinating)and I kind of feel.... out of place. I can't put a finger on it. It's as if what was once familiar is now a vague memory......... and now I am back.... Just like that, picked up placed somewhere new, picked up again, placed somewhere different, picked up and placed back at square one. That which I had found to be comfortable or had found comfort in is now in the past and the area where I was comfortable originally is now uncomfortable. (this is very confusing to read...I am sorry. I'm slowly figuring out what I am saying as I go)
Ok...So, this past 3 weeks our team has been split into two smaller teams and placed on two different islands. Mark, Melissa and Erlist went to Kona, and seemed to have had a blast, and Matt, Chelsea, Kanysha, Bri, and myself went to Kaua'i. Do you know how amazing "the garden island" is. I felt right at home there. When we landed our team was greeted by Joy (Joy and Larry were the corps officers we worked with) and was taken to Wallies World (WalMart). I knew we were going to work from the start and *Boom* we did. That evening I started bell ringing, with my Uke, the girls started angel tree and we went on from there. But, my initial expectations of tons of work and not much play went out the door strait away, or maybe it was how work and play were incorporated together. It was amazing. I would ring and play my uke for about 5 hours a day, we would then count kettles, and amongst that spend time cruising around checkin' out sites. Joy and Larry made it a point for us to experience as much of Kaua'u as we could within the 3 weeks we were there.
One thing Larry told us when we first met him was this, "Take the speed you all normally work at and cut that in half. Now take that half and cut it in half again and that's the speed Kaua'i runs at." What??? I found that this place ran at the speed I have been running my whole life and no one got made at me for it!!! Shoots! And man that was so true. That was how Kaua'i did it and everything worked perfectly. Happy Day!!! The people were amazing (small towns, pop. of the island 60,000..Crazy! so everyone knew everyone else and people were so welcoming) , the food rocked and the scenery was beautiful. It's difficult to explain everything that happened and over time I probably will but it was an awesome trip. This is the place that I grew so comfortable in and Oahu is the current location where I feel a bit out of place...and...I am only making a pit stop here as I am about to leave for the mainland tomorrow.
So many plans when I head to the mainland too....if I think about it too long my head feels like it is spinning in circles and discombobulated.
This feeling of uncomfort reminds me of some of the key things you read about in the bible. If you have been to C28, an overpriced christian store found in many malls, there little tag line is "Not of this world". hmmmm. We are not of this world. I am not of this world. I am in this world, but not of it. Should we find comfort in something that we are not of?
Maybe this discomfort is from the anticipation of returning to the place where I originally came from and anxious to see those that are dear to me. Maybe it's from the idea that I am going back to an area where satan once had me in his chains and brought me down through so many of the poor choices I made......
"Have I not commanded you: Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you where ever you go." Joshua 1:9
I love God so much and He is dear to me but even amongst the love I have for Him and the redemption He has given me, I struggle with the past I once lived, I struggle with some of the choices I have made, I struggle with the consequences of those choices that have wounded me but even more so wounded some of those around me and closest to me....
Though I am saved, though Christ has shown me so much grace and mercy, and though I am a changed man, some of these things/ideas haunt me. I know this is not from God, satan tries to use our past to bring us back down into the pit where God has brought us out of, but being in this world we are going to be attacked by satan. He will do anything to take away what God has restored and prevent any more growth with God... Before, I would get discouraged when I would be brought down in rememberance of my past and honestly it still does a lot of the time. But, I have so much more now. Not because I have gained but because I have given myself to God. I struggle, but Jesus is right there, I am hurt, but Jesus is right there, I am torn, but Jesus is right there. Even more then being there I get this image of Jesus standing next to me (Not a litteral halucination type image but looking at it outside of the situation type thing) saying "I love you Brock. I love you," "I love You," "I love you," reaching out His nail scarred hands tears streaming down His face, in sync with mine, as He continues to wrap His arms around me, embracing me and loving me in that moment. I get an image of God being present in that moment as in every moment (since God is eternal time really doesn't bind Him so He, in a sense, can put His hand in the "box" of time in any time and be present in it. Wow, confusing....) and not just being there but BEing there. feeling the pain, feeling the anger, frustration, bitterness, anxiety....and loving us through all of it. That is love, where in all those moments He is still there.
Now in the moments when I face those hard times it's not like that image pops into my mind....it may help and it has in cases, but for me this has brought out a better understanding that I will struggle and I will falter but God is with me the entire way. I am no longer bound by those "chains," my Hope is in Christ, the man I was no longer is, I am now a man of Christ transformed by Him, and as Christ gave Joshua victory over those he battled, God will do the same for me in my internal and spiritual battles. I am Gods and no matter what satan throws at me I am never going back to the "place" I came from because the glory of God is so much more appealing and amazing and Shoots, I am Gods.
I don't know when I will type again, maybe in the next week, but happy day. Aloha
Ok...So, this past 3 weeks our team has been split into two smaller teams and placed on two different islands. Mark, Melissa and Erlist went to Kona, and seemed to have had a blast, and Matt, Chelsea, Kanysha, Bri, and myself went to Kaua'i. Do you know how amazing "the garden island" is. I felt right at home there. When we landed our team was greeted by Joy (Joy and Larry were the corps officers we worked with) and was taken to Wallies World (WalMart). I knew we were going to work from the start and *Boom* we did. That evening I started bell ringing, with my Uke, the girls started angel tree and we went on from there. But, my initial expectations of tons of work and not much play went out the door strait away, or maybe it was how work and play were incorporated together. It was amazing. I would ring and play my uke for about 5 hours a day, we would then count kettles, and amongst that spend time cruising around checkin' out sites. Joy and Larry made it a point for us to experience as much of Kaua'u as we could within the 3 weeks we were there.
One thing Larry told us when we first met him was this, "Take the speed you all normally work at and cut that in half. Now take that half and cut it in half again and that's the speed Kaua'i runs at." What??? I found that this place ran at the speed I have been running my whole life and no one got made at me for it!!! Shoots! And man that was so true. That was how Kaua'i did it and everything worked perfectly. Happy Day!!! The people were amazing (small towns, pop. of the island 60,000..Crazy! so everyone knew everyone else and people were so welcoming) , the food rocked and the scenery was beautiful. It's difficult to explain everything that happened and over time I probably will but it was an awesome trip. This is the place that I grew so comfortable in and Oahu is the current location where I feel a bit out of place...and...I am only making a pit stop here as I am about to leave for the mainland tomorrow.
So many plans when I head to the mainland too....if I think about it too long my head feels like it is spinning in circles and discombobulated.
This feeling of uncomfort reminds me of some of the key things you read about in the bible. If you have been to C28, an overpriced christian store found in many malls, there little tag line is "Not of this world". hmmmm. We are not of this world. I am not of this world. I am in this world, but not of it. Should we find comfort in something that we are not of?
Maybe this discomfort is from the anticipation of returning to the place where I originally came from and anxious to see those that are dear to me. Maybe it's from the idea that I am going back to an area where satan once had me in his chains and brought me down through so many of the poor choices I made......
"Have I not commanded you: Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you where ever you go." Joshua 1:9
I love God so much and He is dear to me but even amongst the love I have for Him and the redemption He has given me, I struggle with the past I once lived, I struggle with some of the choices I have made, I struggle with the consequences of those choices that have wounded me but even more so wounded some of those around me and closest to me....
Though I am saved, though Christ has shown me so much grace and mercy, and though I am a changed man, some of these things/ideas haunt me. I know this is not from God, satan tries to use our past to bring us back down into the pit where God has brought us out of, but being in this world we are going to be attacked by satan. He will do anything to take away what God has restored and prevent any more growth with God... Before, I would get discouraged when I would be brought down in rememberance of my past and honestly it still does a lot of the time. But, I have so much more now. Not because I have gained but because I have given myself to God. I struggle, but Jesus is right there, I am hurt, but Jesus is right there, I am torn, but Jesus is right there. Even more then being there I get this image of Jesus standing next to me (Not a litteral halucination type image but looking at it outside of the situation type thing) saying "I love you Brock. I love you," "I love You," "I love you," reaching out His nail scarred hands tears streaming down His face, in sync with mine, as He continues to wrap His arms around me, embracing me and loving me in that moment. I get an image of God being present in that moment as in every moment (since God is eternal time really doesn't bind Him so He, in a sense, can put His hand in the "box" of time in any time and be present in it. Wow, confusing....) and not just being there but BEing there. feeling the pain, feeling the anger, frustration, bitterness, anxiety....and loving us through all of it. That is love, where in all those moments He is still there.
Now in the moments when I face those hard times it's not like that image pops into my mind....it may help and it has in cases, but for me this has brought out a better understanding that I will struggle and I will falter but God is with me the entire way. I am no longer bound by those "chains," my Hope is in Christ, the man I was no longer is, I am now a man of Christ transformed by Him, and as Christ gave Joshua victory over those he battled, God will do the same for me in my internal and spiritual battles. I am Gods and no matter what satan throws at me I am never going back to the "place" I came from because the glory of God is so much more appealing and amazing and Shoots, I am Gods.
I don't know when I will type again, maybe in the next week, but happy day. Aloha
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Catch Up...
This was a random late night post I put up on myspace after a late night of Parades in Kauai, yup we were in this cool parade with the Salvation Army, and here it is:
Random ramblings in late night murmurs.
This may be one of those random posts as my mind is racing a bit right now.
I havn't posted on here in a while so I thought I would give it a go. Life out here on this rock is pretty rad. There is a pretty big difference between mainland and hawaiian life but on the same token there isn't. There are many aspects of the Hawaiian culture that I truly admire. The people out here are so giving and so warm. They may not know you, may have never seen you, may never see you again yet they give so much love either way. Same with respect. But with all aspects if one refuses to return it so will it also not be given. (I'm rereading this and it sounds pretty weird. Sorry for the crazy lingo and sentence structure in this sucker...Happy day)
I was having another one of those reflective moments the other day and am so thrown back by how life progresses and changes. I am so different from the boy I was 4 years ago. I have progressed so far from the guy I was a year ago. I have changed so much from the person I was just a couple of months ago. Yet, I am still the same wacky person that is still stokin',even more so, off of life and God. I guess the changes have occured at a deeper level of who I am. The personality is still pretty much the same but my mentality, my ideals, my beleifs, my maturity/immaturities... that is what has changed. So is the story with Life.
I have always tried to embrace change and probably more now then ever do I desire so much more change. The person I was becoming was not something I am proud of and is still something that gives me chicken skin to think about. Probably one of the biggest changes and probably one of the best changes in me is in relation to my walk with Christ.
When someone reaches the lowest point of the pit, an area where darkness consumes even the person surrounded by it, the crossroads are met. Live in that pit and become comfortable in the darkness allowing it to completely incinerate ones heart digging farther down into the pit or get out of it. The basic options of this pit are pretty simple when looking at it in hindsite. Either stay in the pit or get out. Each path has its consequences. Some are negative some are positive, the lines aren't always clearly drawn, the options don't seem black or white but grey with a hugh of random purple laced in, and there is so much "wind" and "dust" swirlin' around that up seems down and down seems up most of the time. I believe we all face moments where we are caught in a pit like this maybe even multiple for us hardheaded people.
In this pit I have experienced Gods grace and Mercy. His love has shown me how great He really is. I was thinking about this and how people may think that I have chosen "Christianity" as my out let for getting me out of "the pit", or to better myself as I find best suited. My response to that is "No, I havn't chosen 'Christianity' but God." I chose a relationship not a religion. I've tried so much to better myself in so many areas of my life. I have tried willing myself to be a better person and it really has lead me back to the start, again. The word Christian means Christ Follower and I think the meaning has really left the word in the worlds eyes and has been replaced by titles. "Bible thumper", "Hypocrite", "Republican"... are images many people get when they hear the word.
(It may seem like I am ranting in this blog, and maybe I am, but I am not bashing Christianity in any way nor am I trying to discourage any body through this blog. I apologize if this is the case so far, those are not my intensions. This is more of a source that I am using to filter out some of the many ideas popping through my head and share it. In my mind it also kind of sucks that feel like I have to put this disclaimer in this blog. But I suffice.)
My definition of religion, and I don't remember where exactly I heard this but it stuck, is this: Religion: Mans attempt to get closer to God. I think about that and wonder, what can I do to get closer to God? If I am to do anything to get closer to God wouldn't that take the glory away from God and direct it to what I have done and ultimately to me? But, the bible also talks about religion, In James 1 at the end of the chapter: "True religion is this: To look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep ones heart from being polluted by the world." So maybe religion does have a thing in it....
I find that in my journey, though, and in my struggles in the pit, that I desire more a relationship then a religion. I want something personal that "moves", inspires, and "lives." There are things we can do to nurture that relationship that I am finding are so crucial in allowing it to grow, ie: prayer, reading the bible, living the love God has given us. In James it is seen that faith without works is dead. So maybe those areas that people consider religious are essential for the growth of the relationship. routine vs. desire or maybe desire for routine vs. desire for change or maybe good vs. evil or batman vs. spiderman....... i don't know...It's late and my mind is running....
I find that I feel so much more alive when living out a relationship with God, living out of love for God, experiencing an intimate relationship with Jesus. Maybe it's because Jesus is alive and He desires this from us... As I read the bible I see more how the areas where I used to think I needed to do "things" to get closer to God have already been fulfilled by the sacrifice and resurrection of Jesus. He is what is bringing about the change in my life. He is the one restoring what I have broken. He is the one that has restored that relationship with God that I could have spent my whole life unsuccessfully trying to do. I find myslef living out the word Christian, Follower of Jesus, instead of tagging on the title like a badge. I realize that by saying this I again am being tagged/labeled but no longer by my choice. I choose to follow Christ, my soul is His, Satan can destroy my body but the core of who I am is Occupied by Jesus.
It is so easy to type all these words on a site post it and then wear this as a badge. I could leave it at that and live the same life I was living before Christ renewed me and carry more titles with that. But I think the real test is in what I do. "actions speak louder than words" yah? Don't let my shakspearian writing skills sway you into believing all that I have typed. For one I don't know all the answers but let what I say be reflected in what I do. Let my actions do the talking. Famous quote by some person: (someone may know who said this quote and please tell me if you do. If not happy day) "Preach the gospel always, if necessary use words."
Psalm 23
Well I need to sleep and I keep rambling.
Later Days
Aloha
Random ramblings in late night murmurs.
This may be one of those random posts as my mind is racing a bit right now.
I havn't posted on here in a while so I thought I would give it a go. Life out here on this rock is pretty rad. There is a pretty big difference between mainland and hawaiian life but on the same token there isn't. There are many aspects of the Hawaiian culture that I truly admire. The people out here are so giving and so warm. They may not know you, may have never seen you, may never see you again yet they give so much love either way. Same with respect. But with all aspects if one refuses to return it so will it also not be given. (I'm rereading this and it sounds pretty weird. Sorry for the crazy lingo and sentence structure in this sucker...Happy day)
I was having another one of those reflective moments the other day and am so thrown back by how life progresses and changes. I am so different from the boy I was 4 years ago. I have progressed so far from the guy I was a year ago. I have changed so much from the person I was just a couple of months ago. Yet, I am still the same wacky person that is still stokin',even more so, off of life and God. I guess the changes have occured at a deeper level of who I am. The personality is still pretty much the same but my mentality, my ideals, my beleifs, my maturity/immaturities... that is what has changed. So is the story with Life.
I have always tried to embrace change and probably more now then ever do I desire so much more change. The person I was becoming was not something I am proud of and is still something that gives me chicken skin to think about. Probably one of the biggest changes and probably one of the best changes in me is in relation to my walk with Christ.
When someone reaches the lowest point of the pit, an area where darkness consumes even the person surrounded by it, the crossroads are met. Live in that pit and become comfortable in the darkness allowing it to completely incinerate ones heart digging farther down into the pit or get out of it. The basic options of this pit are pretty simple when looking at it in hindsite. Either stay in the pit or get out. Each path has its consequences. Some are negative some are positive, the lines aren't always clearly drawn, the options don't seem black or white but grey with a hugh of random purple laced in, and there is so much "wind" and "dust" swirlin' around that up seems down and down seems up most of the time. I believe we all face moments where we are caught in a pit like this maybe even multiple for us hardheaded people.
In this pit I have experienced Gods grace and Mercy. His love has shown me how great He really is. I was thinking about this and how people may think that I have chosen "Christianity" as my out let for getting me out of "the pit", or to better myself as I find best suited. My response to that is "No, I havn't chosen 'Christianity' but God." I chose a relationship not a religion. I've tried so much to better myself in so many areas of my life. I have tried willing myself to be a better person and it really has lead me back to the start, again. The word Christian means Christ Follower and I think the meaning has really left the word in the worlds eyes and has been replaced by titles. "Bible thumper", "Hypocrite", "Republican"... are images many people get when they hear the word.
(It may seem like I am ranting in this blog, and maybe I am, but I am not bashing Christianity in any way nor am I trying to discourage any body through this blog. I apologize if this is the case so far, those are not my intensions. This is more of a source that I am using to filter out some of the many ideas popping through my head and share it. In my mind it also kind of sucks that feel like I have to put this disclaimer in this blog. But I suffice.)
My definition of religion, and I don't remember where exactly I heard this but it stuck, is this: Religion: Mans attempt to get closer to God. I think about that and wonder, what can I do to get closer to God? If I am to do anything to get closer to God wouldn't that take the glory away from God and direct it to what I have done and ultimately to me? But, the bible also talks about religion, In James 1 at the end of the chapter: "True religion is this: To look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep ones heart from being polluted by the world." So maybe religion does have a thing in it....
I find that in my journey, though, and in my struggles in the pit, that I desire more a relationship then a religion. I want something personal that "moves", inspires, and "lives." There are things we can do to nurture that relationship that I am finding are so crucial in allowing it to grow, ie: prayer, reading the bible, living the love God has given us. In James it is seen that faith without works is dead. So maybe those areas that people consider religious are essential for the growth of the relationship. routine vs. desire or maybe desire for routine vs. desire for change or maybe good vs. evil or batman vs. spiderman....... i don't know...It's late and my mind is running....
I find that I feel so much more alive when living out a relationship with God, living out of love for God, experiencing an intimate relationship with Jesus. Maybe it's because Jesus is alive and He desires this from us... As I read the bible I see more how the areas where I used to think I needed to do "things" to get closer to God have already been fulfilled by the sacrifice and resurrection of Jesus. He is what is bringing about the change in my life. He is the one restoring what I have broken. He is the one that has restored that relationship with God that I could have spent my whole life unsuccessfully trying to do. I find myslef living out the word Christian, Follower of Jesus, instead of tagging on the title like a badge. I realize that by saying this I again am being tagged/labeled but no longer by my choice. I choose to follow Christ, my soul is His, Satan can destroy my body but the core of who I am is Occupied by Jesus.
It is so easy to type all these words on a site post it and then wear this as a badge. I could leave it at that and live the same life I was living before Christ renewed me and carry more titles with that. But I think the real test is in what I do. "actions speak louder than words" yah? Don't let my shakspearian writing skills sway you into believing all that I have typed. For one I don't know all the answers but let what I say be reflected in what I do. Let my actions do the talking. Famous quote by some person: (someone may know who said this quote and please tell me if you do. If not happy day) "Preach the gospel always, if necessary use words."
Psalm 23
Well I need to sleep and I keep rambling.
Later Days
Aloha
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